When you're gone
by greencyanide
Summary: Severus is falling apart after Lily's death. But he has a promise to keep. A promise he makes to Lily. Oneshot as of now


**AUTHOR'S NOTE: My first try at Harry Potter. And for that, I picked one of my favorite characters- Severus Snape. Please review. I was also thinking of writing a serious Severus Lily FanFic, which depends on the response on this. Do you think I will be able to handle the fireworks? Thank you.**

**EDIT: Tweaked for ****Professor Flitwick's Prompt of the Day : "Tell her... Tell her I love her."(****Friday June 11th)**

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He touched the rock. It was covered in mould, withered and crumbling. He smiled without a hint a of mirth. The sun was setting, and he turned to look at the flaming red orb sinking behind the trees. His breath was hitched, and for a moment he thought he would die of choking. He picked up a fistful of leaves from the ground, and started tearing them. Finally, the much welcome tear slipped down his pale cheek, and he let the leaves fall from his hand. A cry of anguish escaped his throat, and his breathing became jagged, until he could no longer hold himself, and he toppled beside the rock.

He wished he could cry, he wished he could sob out his feelings. But he realized, with dawning fear, he had lost the ability. For so long, he had kept his feelings incarcerated, they had lost all mobility. Now, they just weighed down inside his heart, and he felt as if a lump of lead had been permanently set in his chest. He rested his cheek on the cool surface of the rock; its velvety texture soothed him. He swallowed and closed his eyes, as they burned. Then, suddenly his eyes shot open. He thought he had seen a flash of red, out of the corner of his half-closed lids. He looked around... almost hopeful. After all it was a magical world!

But he saw a Northern Cardinal hopping around him, looking curiously at the half crouching figure. The corner of his mouth curled upwards- yes, indeed it was a magical world. But only dark magic seemed to have eclipsed everything good there was left. He put forward a long, slender finger and touched the crest fluttering atop the little bird's head.

Immediately as he touched her, the bird looked as if a burst of electricity had just passed through its body, and screeched loudly, flapping its wings wildly. He shuddered and withdrew his fingers in shock, and the bird stumbled and flew off clumsily above and disappeared among the trees. He sat frozen in his place, and raised his fingers in front of him. The long, pale, shaking fingers. The fingers that had held the wand- the wand that killed James Potter, the wand that showed the Dark Lord the way to her house, the wand that did nothing when she begged Him to stop. What was he thinking, touching an innocent creature with these fingers? A silent breeze plucked his hairs astray from his head, and he shivered. All he could think of was the scream, still fresh in his ears. He knew the moment he had heard it, it would haunt him the rest of his miserable life.

_'No Sev, please don't hurt Harry. Please Sev, have mercy.'_

She begged him for mercy. He could think of a time or two when he would have laid his life in front of her, had she asked for it. But she had asked for mercy, he mused, smirking at himself.

He sat there hoping to relive the happy memories they had shared, the memories of all the moments he had thought he would burst with happiness just because she called his name, all the secrets they had shared. But all of those memories were blurred by a green flash of light. Her happy voice, her smiles were all overridden by that one earth-shattering scream. He wondered if those memories were forever erased from his mind. If this was how he will remember the rest of his life- the lifeless, pale form, lying spread-eagled in front of him, still clutching the little boy.

For the first time in his life, he felt pity for himself. He had never acknowledged the feeling. But when one destroys one's own life, with his bare hands, that is what he feels, he thought to himself ruefully. At some point during the past few days he had even been surprised to the extent of admiring himself. He, who had decided he would protect her with every ounce of his love throughout his life, had just stood there, when the Dark Lord had pronounced those two unforgivable words. If someone had said that, even the moment before it had actually happened, he would not have believed. But there he had been, perfectly sane, watching his love die, crumble like a rag-doll to the floor. Why did he ever think _he_ deserved her? And not the man who stood at the doorway, fighting to death trying to protect her. He could almost hear his ragged voice, life dripping away from it slowly- '_Tell her... Tell her I love her.'_

He had also felt his life would end the moment hers did. But it didn't, here he was perfectly alive, looking at the river, as it grew dark around him. No, maybe he had been right. He could breathe, he could see, he could smell, he could touch. But was he alive? It was not a question worth asking. He did not want to be alive. With the pain clotting inside him, he found living highly overrated. He picked up a stone and threw it violently into the river. The splash echoed, and his heart lurched.

'_Sev, if you are angry at someone, piling rocks at the bottom of the river is hardly going to dissolve it.' She said, amused at him._

_He had been too preoccupied to heed her. 'What does it matter?'_

'_Everything doesn't have to matter.' Her fingers twisted an unruly lock of hair that had fallen on his forehead. 'That is the beauty of things.'_

That was her. Most of the time what she said, she herself hardly understood, let alone her prude, practical friend. But today, all her words seemed so meaningful to him. If not for their meaning, but for their intensity. He looked up skyward. It was completely dark now, and a few stars were twinkling sparsely in the inky sky. One particular star glowed brilliantly in the east. Watching it, he quietly whispered, "I will look after him, don't worry. I will not let anyone harm him. I promise." He clamped his mouth shut, and he did not know why, he felt like someone had heard him.

His Dark Mark was burning- the Dark Lord, had still not perished. He rubbed the dark patch. _I will not let you get your kill next time._ He closed his eyes for one brief second, then stood up again. He had to find Dumbledore. Even if it meant ending up in Azkaban. He had to protect Harry.


End file.
